Winter Is Coming!
No, this ain't about the Game of Thrones fuss and has got nothing to do with the famous voice artist and American actress Ariel Winter because she ain't coming to you, not at least if you haven't taken bath since last 7 days.
I know that my readers including me are extremely high on energy but we being serious environmentalists are in no mood to waste water this winter. And when it's about the rainy season, we're smart enough to show some multitasking and bathe under rain while we're on our way to our dates.
So, what's the point in reading a story on how to look presentable without bathing? Well, the point is, when it is a week without having rubbed those wild germs off your dirty #*%@, I mean body, and you're supposed to take her out, some golden bathing hacks or cheat codes are a must follow.
Wet is hot!
This is proven and it just goes well even in this case where your wet male locks will prove that not more than 45 minutes ago, you were there having a shower.
Note: Be smart enough to have slightly wet hair and not the ones with water falling like Niagara Falls!
Now this one punchline (that doesn't look like one) from you will prove something that will signal towards not one but two things to prove your machoism:
1) You bathed in the first place
2) You were AQUAMAN enough to bathe with cold water
This can also have two benefits in the situation:
1) The purpose of proving that you're interested in taking daily bath gets understood by her.
2) You might hear a NO from her but also get a "mutual bathing invite" from her.
NOTE: I have been in a situation where she almost caught the fact that I haven't taken bath since long and cheat code #1 helped me bigtime.
What the hell on Earth is a soapy deodorant? Well, it has a quite literal meaning and the deo of this sort have smell matching with that of the best of the soaps.
Now we obviously don't know what Christian Grey smells like but after having read the #porno novel, we know that he smells good, at least to Anastasia Steele. So, go get that! The deo is waiting for you at the counter and let her breathe the best of the air when you are around.
This can also get you in trouble if your girl chooses to think it the other way round by assuming that you do not care about smelling good. But, as it is evident, you already have put on a soapy deo that makes you smell like Mr. Grey, your girl will be forced to think that your body is so 'naturally-fragrant' that you do not need anything artificial to add to it.
Sounds girly to you? Well then leave it that way but remember one thing, you haven't taken bath since a week and you just can not afford to think that way.
Now get your bum in place and think of applying some oil over that shabby beard of yours so that the hair may gel together and shine as it does after a good beard shampoo. (Actually, this is something I personally get to hear on a regular basis)
Now this one's more of a prank!
Trick- Have your friend's phone number saved under the name "Mummy" and make him call you right when your phone is kept on the table for your girlfriend to see the name when it appears on the screen.
Pick up the call and say it loud- "Yes yes mom, I took bath and even got Sandy (the Pomeranian) take one."
Takeaway- Girls find things like bathing dogs as cute ;)
With the risk of sounding like a racist, here I am not suggesting this so that your skin color magically changes but to make your skin glow a little more. You can replace the suggestion with a good face wash or scrubber if you have any.
So the best way to distract her from even going into the thought of guessing your bathing status is by surprising her with that change in your hair/beard style.
Note: Don't experiment too hard as the failure can really hamper your chances to distract her any positively.
So what does this imply?
Boy's logic: Unbutton and outperform!
The unbuttoned shirt will imply that you wore the shirt in a hurry and forgot to button it up, also proving that you're not wearing last night's shirt and also helping you show that muscular chest.
Girl's logic: If it's not hairy, if there ain't any nip piercing, if it's only about the first two buttons, we're ok!
Now, carrying a comb with you can again reap two benefits:
1) She might just call that teethy thing as cute!
2) She'll know that you're into grooming and styling.
Yeah, nothing provides more satisfaction than dragging your buddy into a conversation out of nowhere to save your a@#. Make him play the poor brat here to prove that you are actually a tidier soul when compared to an infamous lot of men.
Yeah, make sure that you write her name in the most calligraphically impressive ways on your wrist and rub it off using water daily before meeting her so as to prove that you had a good shower time early in the morning.
**This can also save you from getting that permanent tattoo of her name**
Do not dare to wear what you wore while sending her that late night selfie (in case nudes is still a far thought). She notices every detail and this might just fail to impress her even if she is the one who likes you for what you are and not for what you wear.
So yes, instead of feeling shameful for not having taken a bath before going on the date of your life, reach out to the nearest wash basin, get that shampoo sachet squeezed and have a quick 2-minute shampoo to make it easier for her to run hands through your hair.
**This tip is not for the ones suffering from male pattern baldness as they already are swaggers**
Now I believe that girls are not dumb and they no more take shit. So in case, yours is a female Sherlock, be prepared with Plan B!
And the Plan B is... A Gift to please her! I am sure this move of yours will be successful in melting her and strip her anger off.
And the king of all and something that most of my male readers will hate and female readers will love to read is, "Why do 16 damn things when you can just take a 16-second bath?"
After all, your queen of heart deserves at least this much of your sacrifice. In case you sheepishly agree to this, start bathing regularly and in case you do not agree, no super power in the world can make you bath and I don't know about others but as long as you don't smell like a smut, I'm okay with it!